1. Make your computer smarter than you.
Step 1: Work on a computer that does not connect to the internet. What???? Yes, tweety, delete your network setup so you won’t be tempted. Also, ensure that your internet capable computer is a) on a shelf taller than you AND requires either a ladder or a chair to reach, or b) located on the other side of the house. If you have seperate wings in your house, all the better. Laziness will triumph.
2. Deal with distractions and delegate
Dirty dishes in the sink? Barter with your partner. I’m sure you have something he/she wants more than not wanting to do the dishes. At least you better hope so.
Dog barking at the door? Install a doggie door and don’t cry when Bubbles goes missing. She’ll come back eventually. Or not. It’s okay. Really.
Ecstatic when the mail person comes? Install irretractable blinds in your office window. Not only will this stop you from watching enrapt as a robin hunts worms in your grass, you won’t react like its christmas when the post comes.
3. Take a hike.
You can’t always work in the same location. That would make you a hermit and we all know what happens to hermits, especially ones who own cats.
4. Acknowledge that you are a facehooker and that does not make you special. It makes you easy. Good writing should be difficult, not easy.
5. Stop creeping so much
I know it’s important to update yourself on the latest gossip about the 42nd time Brad and Angelina are allegedly breaking up, but who cares? Do they care about you? That’s a big no. They’re beautiful, rich, and successful. Most of us writer types can’t even touch one of these!
On second thought, indulge. Anecdotes about rearing 6 children and ho-running (Angelina, duh! She was married to Billy Bob and once stated she wanted to taste the world) is the best vicarious living you’re gonna get this side of West Virginia.
6. Get yourself a real live muse. And no, if you’re a middle-aged male, make that male, the teenage ingenue next door doesn’t work.
7. If you must write agents hate mail to re-invigorate your writing (because yes, you are a superstar and they are just stupid to reject you), please do so with an invisible ink pen. Better yet, don’t do this. Does the word gatekeeper mean anything to you?
8. Commit to eating one food all day to avoid unnecessary hunger pains. Especially baby carrots. When you turn orange, you will have the perfect excuse to call in sick to your actual job.
9. Make like Bella and write longhand in a pristine, mountain meadow. Hey, don’t knock it. It worked real good for Stephanie Meyer.
10. If alcohol motivates you, develop a reward system, kind of like a punch card. One drink for every 1,000 words. If that doesn’t cut it, consider the substance abuse-talent paradigm. Ernest Hemingway? Stephen King? Why the hell not you? When you think about it like that, you’re just one alcohol induced coma away from your breakout book. God, I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier!
11. Stop expecting me to tell you 11 ways in increase your writing productivity. Don’t you know that top ten lists are the ones with all the answers?
Got a snarky tip of your own? Do share.